What You Do and Who You Are

Similar to The Wrong Conclusion is another cognitive anti-pattern: in the pursuit of identity we see ourselves as being something as an inherent quality of ourselves versus doing something as a role, a quality being temporarily practiced. This can lead to bad behavior on our part and it limits our ability to grow and engage in introspection.

I have this hard-won lesson over my lifetime: when I stake my identity as being a thing, when I can no longer do the thing I lose my sense of self and spiral into crisis. I am a good programmer, so I am a thing with a clear identity only when I am programming.

If I spend a week in the hospital, as I did a few years ago, I am no longer programming, I am infirm. I have lost my anchor. This is upsetting! I need to find a better I am or accept that programming is an I do.

Alternatively, I never really thought of myself as a parent or a future parent. Then I had a kid! Whether I cop to it or not, I am a parent – I do parenting things every day.

People who take moral stances often consider themselves to be the good guys, a quality inherent in themselves, versus being people who happen to strive to do good things. When you are tautologically good, this is bad! You can do evil but by definition you are doing good because good is what you are. I see it in this quote:

Conservatism consists of exactly one proposition, to wit: There must be in-groups whom the law protects but does not bind, alongside out-groups whom the law binds but does not protect.

Francis M. Wilhoit

Entirely an “we are” versus “you do” mentality: the law is meant to protect citizens from harm. We are citizens, you are harm. We do bad but do not run afoul of the law, you do bad and have committed a crime.

That is; if you cannot see what you are doing is counter to your identity, you can be convinced that what you are doing is inconsequential to your identity.

Going from an I am to an I do mindset has been a tough lesson for me, but it’s been transformative in my worldview. It is, in many ways, tied to a growth mindset versus a fixed mindset: (I am / I am only) and (I do / I can become) being very closely related. I don’t ‘consider myself’ a Javascript Guy, for instance, but if I make a presentation about some Javascript thing I researched and shared I have done Javascript Guy things, and I am technically a Javascript guy.

As far as this goes, back to the growth mindset: you are only alive so long as you are active, and there is plenty of life left in you to be active. You are not a (metaphoric) flag planted in the (metaphoric) ground, you have (metaphoric) legs and can (metaphorically) walk to the next (metaphoric) place. You are capable of cruelty and laziness, and you are capable of kindness and industry. You need to be constantly vigilant to make sure you are currently doing good and do not rest on the laurels of I once did good or I am good so what I do is, by definition, good.

Anyway, these were a few short paragraphs summarizing a spiritual crisis I spent 4 years mulling over. Enjoy! Hope you learn the lesson the easy way (from the mistakes of others, namely your supremely handsome narrator) rather than the hard way (having your own mistakes serve as a warning to others).